Ghoulish Humor

Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma

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Cemetary - bone zone.

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Headline: "Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetary will be done by skeleton crews"

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A kid stole a sign from a nursery and stuck it in front of a funeral parlor. It read: "LET US DO YOUR PLANTING FOR YOU."

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The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ."

"What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student.

"Shh! He's giving an organ recital."

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Undertaker - the last guy to let you down.

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One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Says one skeleton to the other, "If we had any guts, we'd get out of here."

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TOP 10 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES

10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from undead.

9. Three words: Daylight Savings Time

8. Can't enjoy a meal at BURGER KING without some redneck yelling, "Look...it's Elvis!!"

7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

6. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

5. All the crucifix-wearing Madonna clones make finding easy victims difficult.

4. No warm blood for miles around DC.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2. Fat-free blood tastes like crap!

AND THE #1 COMPLAINT OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES:

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards!

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"